Proper Use Of Tools
 

-------- Original Message --------
Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hardearned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of bloodblisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY- ACETYLENE
TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR
JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE
HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS
SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening oldstyle paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT
SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into nonremovable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed toremove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacentthe object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice throughthe contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

That is great. I have not laughed so hard for the longest time. Thanks for sharing. Most of those are spot on for the definition - especially the last one...

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

Never Fails

TWO-TON ENGINE
HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

Whoever wrote this works in a shop or has been spying on me. Been there, done that fits most of them for me. All these years I thought it was only me that couldn't run a hack saw. Always thought my hack saw and my golf clubs had to be made by the same people. Both fit the hack saw description of transforming human energy into unpredictable motion.

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

For clarity I did not write this bit of prose. I found it in my "humor" files from an old e-mail that I can't rememenber who was the sender. If I knew I'd gladly give them credit.

And yes Stewart I think golf clubs are from the same black hole in the universe as hacksaw blades.

Personally I have found Vise Grips to be an excellent heat sink for weldments, my palms, not so much. LOL

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

Like that.
I had a S.O.B pinion bearing,cage was stretched after putting rollers back 3-4 times, about 2 am Sunday morning,thought I would just go get new one off the shelf,we always had plenty in stock,threw it,I went in parts room,no pinion bearing,had to come back and dig through about 4 foot deep pile of gas and heater hose etc. and find all my rollers and put my bearing back together so I could get gears back in and race Sunday.
That was when I learned be more selective about S.O.B. tool.
SOB tool being next thing you need is hitting the nail on the head.
Mike Taylor 3601
PS Are those vise grips hot? Nope just don't take me long to look at vise grips!!

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

1/2 inch drill, handy for winding coveralls up into a ball around your pair until you can sing like a soprano. Based on actual experience !

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

Remind me to never read these while i have a mouthful of breakfast.... Now i gotta clean my cereal up from all over computer desk, keyboard, floor, carpet, my clothes, the cat...... I haven't laughed that hard in two years!!!!!

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

You must use caution when using SOB tools in your carport for as surely as the Sun comes up your lawnmower will find them in the spring!

JimR

Re: Proper Use Of Tools
 

Have a lot of tools filed under "G" for grass and "S" for snow!

You KNOW that boxend is worn to the point of just rounding everything off and not actually loosening anything...but you try it one more time because you can't find the other dozen of that size you have here "somewhere".

Crap, I don't want to push this wrench, your supposed to pull only...well...just a bit...I think it's loosening..just a bit mor...AHHHHH!!! F%$% C^&*&^ %#@!# B@ $#%^&F&&^ %$ F#$%%^..........yeah that's gonna need a stitch....%$%^&!!!!